…and he said I was sick. Imagine that!!

That hasn’t happened in I don’t know how many years. Ok, so I haven’t been to a doctor in I don’t know how many years, either, but oh well. lol

Actually this doctor said I was REALLY sick. He even talked to Mike after the appointment and told him I was “one sick puppy”. I thought that was cute. =) Anyway.

I am pretty sure he diagnosed me with Bartonella as well as the Lyme, and I think he suspects at least a couple other co-infections. He had testing done for Babesia (which is a cousin to malaria) and something else (don’t remember what), and wanted to test for Q-Fever, whatever that is, but it wasn’t on the Igenex order sheet.

He was originally going to test for Bartonella and something else, but since all these tick-borne diseases are clinical diagnoses because of the limited reliability of the current testing AND I don’t have insurance picking up the cost of these tests… he scratched out the Bartonella and one other test. That’s why I say I’m pretty sure he diagnosed Bartonella along with the Lyme. He didn’t actually SAY (or if he did I don’t remember, but that wouldn’t surprise me either since I was MEGA confused and flustered during the appt.), but he said if I was ok treating based on symptoms we could save the cost of those tests.

So, it seems I will be getting worse before I get better, so if the blogging REALLY slows down…you’ll know why.

Also he seemed impressed(?) that I was able to go right to the front of the line in terms of figuring out what was wrong and finding the right doctor. He said that most people spend years and years and see dozens of doctors, spending thousands and thousands of money before figuring out what was wrong. I told him honestly, “The Lord has blessed me greatly in being able to figure out what was going on and getting right to it.”

Praise the Lord! =)

Doc also said to remember that I can get well and the kids can get well. Sounds kinda weird hearing that, because it’s still sinking in that I’m sick. I mean I know I hurt and I can’t think worth a flip, but a lot of what he calls “symptoms”, I’ve called “normal, everyday stuff” for years and years.

It’s still hard for me to even use that word about myself…”symptoms”. In all honesty, I don’t think I HAVE used it out loud yet. I just can’t seem to bring myself to; I always skirt around that word and try to change the subject.

Part of it is I’m not used to having “permission” to be sick. I’m the mom. I can’t be sick, ya know? I gotta do what needs to be done, and besides… every weird, odd whatever (see? that “s” word still won’t flow…) I’ve ever mentioned has always been dismissed as normal.

Well, it turns out it’s NOT normal to black out when you “stand up too fast”, or get hives every time you take a shower, or have heart flutters all the time, or be super weak or tired with no energy for years on end, or have shooting pains or tingles or numb spots, or aching knees from obviously degenerating cartlidge (at age 26y), or muscle twitches several times a day in different spots, or stepping on electric needles in the morning, or bone pain in my shin and thigh and elsewhere, or dozens of other things that I thought were normal.

Wow, that was a long, rambling sentence. Oh well. At least I’m not writing this for a grade in English class!

Anyway. I’m also very much not used to spending money on myself. Certainly not in the massive amounts we’ve put out in the last two months…and to think… I’ve only seen a dr twice so far, had only a couple of basic blood tests done, and paid for only my first month of meds and supplements. Already the credit card people are rubbing their hands together! lol

Ah well, there too. I know this is where the Lord has led. I know seeing the doc and getting the meds and getting the kids tested and treated as well are all things He wants me to do. I know that He knew we would have these needs before I ever did. He also knew we would not have the means to provide them. He does, though, and so I’m trying hard to just trust Him to do so.

The doc wants to see me again next week to see how I’m adjusting to the meds. I have several and I have to work my way up to full dosage on them all. By next week I’ll only be just at the point of making the first of 4 step-ups to get to full strength. =/

I’m also going to join the land of the needled around here. While Meagan gets 2 sub-q shots a night, I’ll be getting 1 IM shot (of B12) every night. There is NO way I can do that myself (remember? I was taking Meg to the ped every month for her IM…), so Mike has volunteered to learn to give them. Isn’t he summin?! And here I was worried my hubby wouldn’t take care of me! Shame on me!

We’ve already gotten the bloodwork sent off for Matthew, and I’m hoping to hear back next week. Of course, Lyme Disease is a clinical diagnosis, so even if the testing is negative it doesn’t mean he’s clear. Actually my doctor suspects I’ve had Lyme since childhood making it highly LIKELY that I passed it on to the kids. I told him just a little of Matt’s Jekyll/Hyde like stuff and he said we really needed to get him to a LLMD to be evaluated.

Meagan has an appt with the ped in a couple of weeks, so I’m going to try to get her tested then.

Also, as for Matt’s immunotherapy… no solid news yet, but I do have a couple of ideas/leads, so I’m hoping to start figuring that out next week.

I think I’m gonna get. I’ve only had 4 antibiotic pills thus far, and already my joints are hurting worse. Don’t think I’m gonna take too kindly to this “could get better, but it’s gonna get worse first” thing. =( I do have pain pills now, but I’m trying to hang on to them. I don’t know how bad this is gonna get…

Posted: June 20th, 2008 under God's Guiding Hand, Lyme disease, faith.
Comments: none

I got a phone call from a longtime friend of mine on Monday. The first thing she said was, “Marie, we were in a tornado.” (I went by Marie in high school, so that’s what she is used to calling me.) Of course the first thing *I* said was “Oh no! Are you all ok?” After she assured me that her mom, all 4 kids, and herself were ok, so proceeded to tell me a story about God working miracles. I want to share.First a little background. My friend is a single, working mom to 4 kids. Her mom lives with her to help watch the little ones while she works…nights. She works as an aide in a nursing home while she’s waiting for the nursing school session to start in Sept, at which point she will be going to school to get her R.N. The town they live in is small, so the nursing home is not fully staffed overnight.

Sunday night she, one other aide, and an R.N. were on duty. Just about the time every one else left for the day, the sky turned dark and things went still. While some of the others at the home thought the stillness meant the predicted rainstorm was going to pass around them, my friend knew otherwise. She sprang into action, telling people there was a tornado coming. They started hustling getting the patients moved (most still in their beds, and many on oxygen) into the hallways.

Very early on, the R.N. was hit by glass and could no longer help, leaving the two aides to get the whole population to safety. My friend said she took one wing and the other aide took the other. She grabbed a pair of sunglasses and duct-taped them on. She grabbed a mask and put it on over her nose and mouth. Then she rushed around switching oxygen feeds to portable units, moving beds into the hallway and trying to direct the mobile patients into the halls.

There were a few in the lobby of the home, and the pressure and wind was such that my friend feared people getting blown or sucked away, so she sat down in front of the GLASS front door and braced herself to keep it from blowing open while the residents moved into the hall. When they were all out of the lobby, she too ran for the hall.

As soon as she got in the corridor, she says, the glass doors and windows all blew in. She said she could see huge pieces of glass flying into the corridor from either direction and knew she would be hit.

Just before the glass got to her, though… it turned to powder! I’ll say that again… it smashed up into glass DUST. So instead of being hit with giant shards of plate glass, she was hit with far, FAR less disastrous glass powder.

She was thanking the Lord, and praising God for being with her and helping her to know what to do and helping her to get it done and in protecting everyone.

The Lord held back the glass door blowing in until she was no longer sitting right in front of it. Because God gave her the sense to put on sunglasses and duct-tape them to her head, her eyes were protected from the bulk of the glass. Because He gave her the sense to put on a mask, she did not breathe any of the glass powder into her lungs. She was able to get all the residents safely into the hall, covered with blankets to protect them from glass before the glass started flying. None of the residents were injured at all, and all were later transported safely to nursing homes in neighboring towns. The R.N., while hurt, is ok.

When the storm was passed and my friend went outside to start the evacuation of the residents, she saw the home’s generator as well as a big tree limb on her car. The car was not dented, or even scratched.

She did have a lot of glass in her hair that she was still trying to wash out, and she had some glass slivers in her feet from glass getting in her shoes and then walking on it all night. She said her face felt kinda burned…like if she’d been in a sandstorm.

The biggest injury she sustained was some debri (glass?) in her eyes. Not a lot, she said, and one of the EMTs had given her some drops to put in them until she could see a doctor later in the week when the town got electricity back. She said her vision was a little blurry because of it, but she was oh so thankful for the Lord’s protective, guiding hand!

That call was such a blessing to me. Might sound funny, but if you could have heard the absolute EXCITEMENT in her voice when she was talking about how she KNEW God had been with her, helping her… About how she KNEW it was God that powdered all that glass, and that had helped her prepare for it with the glasses and mask. =) It was so cool to hear her so excited about that. I loved it!

I’ve been thanking the Lord for helping her, as well, of course! I love my daisytrippin’ friend, and hate the thought of anything bad happening to her. She’s had more than enough of that in the last 10 years as it is!

I ask for your prayers for her. For her eyes to heal,  and that the school (it was damaged pretty badly) will be able to have session so she can get her RN.

Posted: June 19th, 2008 under God's Guiding Hand, Miracles, Prayer Requests, faith.
Comments: none

Overall there hasn’t been much blogging going on the last month or two. I think it might have something to do with the fact that overall I’ve been feeling worse and worse the last month or two. Ok, so I’ve been getting progressively worse for months on end. Time to shake things up a bit, perhaps?

Today is Father’s Day. I wish I had more oomph to be excited. Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. Ditto.

I always have a booger of a time figuring out what to get Mike for gift-giving occasions. Not so much because “he has everything and wants nothing”, but more because he always wants the same stuff, and I don’t like giving the same thing every time. DVDs. That pretty much sums it up. Oh, and summer sausage, extra sharp cheddar cheese, and Hershey kisses. Sure he’d love a laptop and a DVD recorder where he could transfer his VHS tapes over, but we can’t afford either of those.

So this gift-giving occasion, I totally went with the no-thinking-involved Hershey kisses and a Mr. Bean DVD. I’m so uninspired right now.

Now for my mom’s birthday(She’ll be 52 years young. And she’s proud of each one of them. You go girl!)… going with the no-thinking-involved there, too…sorta. I just asked her want she wanted and then did my best. She said she wanted a capri set, but not pink or pastel. So I go to the store and find capri sets… in black (she already has), red (I have, so she didn’t want to do), and pastels. Lots of pastels. Pink, green, blue, yellow, peach… ugg! So off to WallyWorld instead. Found a pair of capri pants in tan, and 3 shirts. Blue, aqua (but dark aqua), and tan. I left all the tags on because she had originally said “not from Walmart”, so oops. LOL It was either that or pastels, ma!

So the cake is in the fridge. Easiest cake I’ve ever iced. The heat here made it literally just ice itself smooth as silk. I did have to encourage it back UP the sides of the cake, though. The icing was pooling so bad it looked like the cake was bulging at the bottom.

Tomorrow will be busy, and I’m afraid very stressful. We’ll have to do the whole cake thing for Mom, but then the bigger problem is Meagan has an ortho appt.

She just came in and told me one of her bands was loose. They were both loose 2 or 3 months back and the ortho was NOT happy. We’re toast tomorrow, what you wanna bet. It doesn’t matter how many times we say “yes, she brushes and flosses, and does the whole nine yards” (we did finally get the whole refusing to brush thing worked out…finally!) and “no, she does NOT wiggle the headgear up and down to get it out”… he still is not happy with us.

So, I’m anticipating him pulling all her metal off tomorrow and declaring it a done deal. Which means, of course, not only are we out close to $3,000, but we’re out that much $$ and still won’t have her bite corrected. In fact, if we lose the orthodontia now, we’ll never be able to correct it, as she only has a year or two (tops!!) left to get it corrected before it’ll require surgery…which the ins. won’t cover and we can’t afford.

With the problems we’ve been having with the Lupron not suppressing puberty, we may well only have a year or less left to grow and get this bite fixed “easily”. Every time I think about it it just makes me sick. We’re soooo close! She is supposed to be in the headgear another 6mo or so. She is 4′ 7″, so only another 5″ to get to 5′. Soooo close on both counts, and it’s seriously looking like both are going to be for naught. Bummer, too, since after her initial catch-up growth we were heading for 5′ 2-3″.

Anyway! I haven’t crocheted much this week, been too tired, and busy with dr appts, blood draws, and phone calls. More of that this week too, as my first dr appt with my LLMD is Tues. Nervous? Yup. That’s a given. Not horribly, though, and I have to say the only explanation for that is Jesus.

I am just going to sit back and let Him run this whole show. I’m just gonna follow His lead, and then I won’t have to worry about nuthin.

Posted: June 15th, 2008 under Meagan, blogging, just life.
Comments: none

Ok. Yes, I know this post is about 3.4 seconds after the last. There is a good reason for that. Simply put? I am a dork. I got on here to post about our Bitty Burgers, and somehow (don’t ask me how) ended up posting, instead, about being 9 years old. So here is what I wanted to share about our burgers…

It’s actually kinda sad. =(

For Mike’s birthday last week, the kids and I decked Dad out in all manner of grilling. Well, except for the apron. I don’t think he’d have worn one anyway… So he has a new grill and a cool Texas flag-themed chair (my man, he loves his state!) and is the new Grill Master around these parts.

So tonight he asked if I wanted hamburgers for dinner. Out he goes to play with starter fluid and FIRE while I cut up and moosh 2 pounds of raw cow into burger shapes. At this point they were not bitty. They were not huge, as I had cut each 1 lb log into 4 patties, but they weren’t bitty, either.

Now, meat does shrink as it cooks. We all know that. We expect that. What we didn’t expect was for it to practically DISAPPEAR! After grilling to a lovely color, Mike decided I better microwave them for the last few degrees of internal doneness because the fat was dripping onto the coals and now there were angry flames trying to devour (or at least char) our burgers before they could reach the 180 F that we were shooting for. So he brought them in, and I popped them in the nuker.

At this point, they were understandably somewhat smaller than they’d started out. After all, meat shrinks as it cooks. Two minutes in the nuker, I thought, should do it. Not so. The thermometer was still only peaking at about 120-130.

Back in they went. Five minutes this time. Still only around 130-140 or so. WHAT? Ok… another 5min. SURELY, I thought, this would be enough. This would make who-knows-how-long on the grill plus 12 minutes in the microwave.

When the nuker beeped, I immediately hopped up to go check the temp. I reckoned maybe the patties were cooling off before I could get my slow tookus over there with the thermometer. I was much quicker this time. Internal temp?

150 F. Barely.

Regardless, we declared them more than done. They absolutely HAD to be, as any longer in the magic microwave and they would have been gone completely! We didn’t have hamburgers anymore, we had Bitty Burgers. (That, disgustingly enough, were swimming in a sizzling lake of greasy fat.)

Seriously these suckers were smaller than the infamous White Castle burgers. No lie. They would have been a huge hit at a toddler’s Mini-Everything birthday party. Though… I’m not sure where you would find buns small enough. They were about 1.5″ in diameter. Soooo cute! Good thing I’d put together 8 patties even though Matthew was staying the night with a friend. Since one had jumped ship grill during the initial warming phase we were down to 7 Bitty Burgers for the 3 of us.

Seven burgers for three people. Not NEARLY enough considering it took 3 patties to mostly fill the hamburger bun. Four if you were using regular white bread. Well, at least we had tater tots and cottage cheese…

One scrape (not bite, these suckers were petrified beyond bite-capabilities…the teeth just scraped down the side) later and Mike declared two things:

1. I am to only purchase the more expensive LEAN meat from now on. The leanest I can find.
2. Tonight’s burgers would be furnished by Dairy Queen.

Posted: June 10th, 2008 under blogging, funnies, lettin' hubby lead.
Comments: none

Matthew has had a couple of interesting days. He saw the new pediatrician yesterday. She is SO not happy that he has had to be on so much medicine “every day of his life” and so is running some RAST testing to find out what enviros he is allergic to so we can look at “immunotherapy“. We were having to pull out the big-gun words because Mr. Smarty-Words had already started freakin’ out over the whole “vaccine” thing. Having just read about Salk and the polio vaccine in history… he was totally clued in to what would be taking place in the next few minutes.

So this is cool! Maybe she can get him off the massive doses of antihistamine, and the other half-a-dozen things he’s been relying on to keep his asthma and allergies under control. She also signed the paperwork for the Lyme testing without batting an eyelash. In fact, she was WAY cool with it. yea!! So after a couple of pokes yesterday, and then the blood draw today (for which the dr gave him some numbing cream…yea again!!), he was feeling very put-out.

As we left the dr office after the vaccines yesterday, I said something like, “So was it as bad as you thought it would be?” To which he replied, “Yes. It hurt, but it still didn’t hurt as much as giving away the dogs. I still miss them.” The last half of which I had to squint to understand through the high-pitched whine and tears. Poor kid.

After the blood draw today he declared that he hated the age of 9. It has been the worst year of his life, ever! he says. I can kinda see where he would think that… giving up the dogs, getting into big trouble with the police, missing out on a fishing trip with his pastor, and now… horror of horrors… shots and blood draws! Actually, it is likely to get worse for him, as I can not homeschool this coming year. That means Mr. EXTREME-O Shy will have to go to a school of some sort. That is not going to be easy on him.

Even so, personally I would think Meagan has had a rougher year, though to be sure her yuckiness started back at 9.5, so maybe there is something to that whole the-age-of-9-is-the-worst after all. She’s had braces put on, an ingrown toenail cut-out, started monthly OW! shots, had a case of stomach bug that left her puking every 30min for about 12hr, gotten glasses, had a huge abscess from one of those monthly shots that then drained… at school, had 7 teeth pulled at once, and added another nightly shot.

Ya know? Now that I really think about it? I was 9 when I had a slumber party that only 2 girls out of the whole class showed up to, we moved into my aunt’s on-the-market-home and then into an apartment, discovered that homeschooling did NOT mean you didn’t have to do schoolwork, and got my face slammed into the concrete by the girl next door. Oh, and I had two break-ups. One boyfriend moved, handing me off to his best friend, and then *I* moved.

Oh the horrors of being 9!! I wonder if anything horrible happened to Mike when he was 9. Doesn’t matter. I definitely had it worse, don’t you think? ;-)

Posted: June 10th, 2008 under Matthew, Meagan, family, funnies, kids.
Comments: none

Woohoo! I got another section of my super-secret crochet project done. One more big section, then some smaller ones and it’ll be ready for the unveiling. yippee! I’m hoping only another 3 or 4 weeks, but it will totally depend on how cooperative my hands and TIREDNESS are. =)

If they would cooperate, the insomnia (yeah, I know, you’d THINK that being tired would make insomnia an impossibility, wouldn’t ya? You’d be wrong, though. ugg!) would maybe be a good thing, allowing me to work on it more. Right? Hey, there’s got to be a silver lining in here somewhere. No really, I know there truly is. ALL things work together for the GOOD of those who love the Lord, remember.

Mike’s shifts are switching as of next week. Well, part of it is, anyway. Instead of M-F 10pm-6am, he’ll be working T & F 6am-6pm and S & S 10pm-6am. Messed up, huh?

I’m hoping it’ll end up being a good thing, though. I think it might be. I mean I know his sleep is going to be even more messed up for awhile, BUT I think the having to keep switching will actually encourage him to really TRY to get a sleep schedule going. As it is he sleeps only 2-3hr at a time because he doesn’t really try to make the days night or the nights day. Plus this will give us 2 days during the week in which he’ll be sleeping nights AND be home/available during the day.

He’ll have to sleep for awhile Monday mornings, then sleep nights again till Saturday, when he’ll need to sleep Saturday afternoon so he can work that night. That means that Tuesdays and Wednesdays he’ll have slept the night before and will be sleeping that night, so will be home and AWAKE both during the day.

I KNOW this will be a good thing, because I can try to make all my dr appointments (and the kids out-of-town ones, as well) on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. This way Mike will be able to drive me and I won’t have to feel guilty about him losing sleep-time over it either!

I’ve been so excited for this it’s pathetic. lol Not “coincidentally” my first dr appointment is on a Tuesday. When I told Mike he said “Good, I’ll be able to take you.” YES!!!!!!!! I’m doing an ecstatic happy dance. Woohoohoo! I didn’t even have to ASK him.

My honey…he’s been so sweet and concerned. And there I had been scared-to-death that he, too, would think I was making stuff up or else just would not be interested or care. He did think I was being stubborn and procrastinatin’ about some things, though. This was when I was hurting so bad last week and he wanted to take me to the dr and I was beggin’ him not to because I still hadn’t been able to check about the health insurance yet. So I might have been stubborn, but not really procrastinating… so much. lol

The sucky parts of the shift change, though (aside from being 2 different schedules!) are: he has to work this Sat and Sun night, which will be days 6 and 7 in a row; and he’ll be leaving the house around 4:30-5:00 AM!! on Thurs and Fri. Man I hope he doesn’t want me to get up and cook eggs for him! LOL I’ll have to start packing some big lunches for him, too, since it’s 12hr shifts, and he’ll have to have food to take his pills with. Lots of water, too, I hope, since this is Texas and it’s summertime.

I think the kids are finally asleep, so I guess I’ll get back to crochetin’ while the crochetin’ is good. ;-)

Posted: June 6th, 2008 under family, just life, projects.
Comments: none

So the dogs went… and sooner than expected… in came the kitty.

Yuppers, skippers. We have a kitten. A little gray tabby kitten, presumed to be female (like I’m gonna check…even if I did I would never be able to tell at this age because like I don’t know a thing about cats), and named Chloe. She’s been here one week now, and she actually went through 3 name changes the first day. First she was Heidi, then Clover, then Brogan, and finally the kids settled on Chloe.

It’s definitely her name, though. It’s weird, but I had actually thought of Chloe myself before the kids came up with it. That’s creepily reminiscent of how Mike and I chose Meagan’s first AND middle names (a month apart, by the way). We both kinda came up with them on our own and when we discovered that fact…well, obviously there was no other option, then, huh? =)

I would show you a pic since true to prior pet history the kids have taken approximately 19,236 pictures of the new little one, BUT true to prior digital camera unloading history… I haven’t. So the camera is full and the computer, and by extension this blog post, is not.

S’alright, though. Just imagine a teensy little thing small enough to sit in even the kids’ hands. Dark and light gray stripes, with a dark-tipped tail, and the prettiest little blue eyes you ever did see.

Ok, ok. I confess. I’m smitten with the kitten.

And my cat-allergy? Well it was a problem the first couple of days and so I did the Benadryl thing until I could get to the store and get some Claritin. I took that once, and have forgotten every night since, but the eyes and nose? Doin’ just fine, thank you.

Maybe I’m just allergic to new kittens or cats that don’t like to curl up in my lap for their nap.

The kids had cleaned their room (I know, I think I just fell over dead, too!) a couple of days ago, but then one or the other of them got this creative spark that caught fire.

Tonight I had to bulldoze my way through the tangles of cardboard boxes, wood, and duct tape that they’ve declared is “Chloe’s Playground”. It completely fills their room. Seriously. And it’s a big room, too.

I’m so glad this creative spark did not come a month ago. Can you imagine the size of the playground they’d have made for Butterscotch and Brownie? Those pets were bigger than Matthew, whereas this one is only slightly bigger than my coffee cup! I guess that playground would’ve covered the HOUSE, so basically I’d have to blog from the interior of a cardboard box and duck every time the basketball sized bouncy monkey came swinging in from where it was duct-taped to the skylight.

I’m thinking Chloe might make the blogging a bit safer… at least until she learns cats are meant to walk across the keyboard while you attempt to type. Maybe she’ll be too busy with the ramps and skylights and hangy-down-thingies in her playground to ever figure that out.

In other news:

Mike has put me in charge of taking care of the weeds and has declared that under no circumstances am I to go anywhere near the trees. Franny the Fern is looking a little… ummmm… well, she has a fast-receding hairline I guess. And what’s left isn’t just real healthy looking. I think she might need a VO5 hot oil treatment or something. =/

I did get a little housework done today, and shockers of shockers… I even got the kids to help. Basically I told them uh-uh-no-way to any and all fun ANYTHING until we had the dining room clean. (Just one room. The three of us. Not great expectations. Just a leetle was what I was aiming for…) I swept the entire floor into a pile and the kids were told to pick out what was not trash and put it away. Then I had Meagan dustpan it all into the trash, I cleared and wiped down the table, and Matthew picked up some of his strewn school stuff. Then I mopped. I also gave Meagan a little help (shhhhh!) with her chore of dishes by unloading 2x and loading once without her knowing. I did this because I wanted to actually find the countertops sometime this week. I even made dinner tonight! Tacos, rice, and beans. Mmmm!

After having done so much today, I decided I could do a little fun stuff and not feel too guilty, so I got out the super-secret crochet project I have going (I’m actually about half…maybe more… done, so it IS coming along…) and popped in the Mythbusters DVD from Netflix that finally resurfaced.

I only managed about 15 stitches before my hands and fingers were screaming “We’re tired. PLEASE don’t make us do this. Ok, that’s it, we’re going to outright revolt, and HURT on top of being tired.”

Pathetic, huh? Some days it’s like that. Other days? Well sometimes I can crochet for 2, 3, even 4 hours (at a pretty steady quick clip) with no problem whatsoever. If you’re wondering how I can type but not crochet– crocheting means fingers held in towards hand with tension, typing has fingers spread out… crocheting requires arms to move and hang in the air to a certain degree, typing means (for me because I am a lazy typer) my arms nearly glued to the desktop and fingers resting on keys. Oh, yeah and pills. =)

So anyway I gave it up and just watched the show…with a snoozing kitten in my skirt-turned-kitten-hammock.

Then I got the kids to bed (all three…two in their beanbags, and the littlest one is curled up in the dustpan…I have no idea why) with minimal muss and now I’m going to go watch another episode of Mythbusters and go beddy-bye myself.

Posted: June 5th, 2008 under funnies, just life, kids, projects, the cat.
Comments: none

I called a number I’ve had for weeks and weeks now, armed with not much more than a positive test result. Scratch that, armed with the Holy Spirit, so a whole lot more than a positive test result. I would not have been able to get through the call had I not done a bit of serious praying first. The short/good news is I have an appt the 17th… but now I’m worried…

The doctor himself called me back after I told the receptionist I’d had a positive IgM test through Igenex and that I’d heard the dr treats Lyme, and he did sound so nice, AND (and this was so cool!) he actually started out by believing me (which is so weird, ya know!). I know because he said I wasn’t very old but I’d been hit by a truck. Yup. That pretty much sums it up. And I was glad when he didn’t start asking me for symptoms, too, because that is something I’ve been worried about. That initial question. Not because I don’t have symptoms, mind you. Oh far from that! But because when asked outright like that, for some reason my mind freezes and shuts down and I have major problems pulling anything back out of the abyss of my mind in order to LIST them. So that was so nice, though I’m sure it seems kinda weird.

But then he found out I don’t have insurance, and maybe it’s just my imagination (ok, actually it probably is…probably more than a little of the OCD, anxiety, PARANOIA, etc creepin’ in), but it seemed like something changed.

Started off by saying it wasn’t free. Yeah, I KNOW that. I’m willing to pay. I don’t like it, but not because his expertise and/or the testing/meds are not worth the $$, just because I don’t like spending that kind of $$ on ME. My kids? Absolutely. Me? Never before. So it hurts me to do it in that regard.

And of course $$ isn’t exactly free-flowing around here, otherwise I would have had insurance years ago… I digress.

Why the difference I wonder? Do you think he is annoyed at/with me because he’s afraid I can’t/won’t pay?

I TOTALLY am going to pay. He will have his $$ every visit I go to. If I can’t pay, I won’t go in. I just won’t.

I HAVE gone in to the ER not being able to pay, but that is totally different. I have never and WILL never (if I have anything to say about it at all) go to a dr visit knowing I can’t pay for it. I just won’t.

Shoot. That’s why I’ve never gone in with all the various possible sinus or bladder or chest or kidney even… infections over the years. Cause I was not prepared to dish out the money. (I technically COULD have, but I didn’t see it as crucial since I had garlic and so could try that first, so therefore it was optional. And optional actually means not an option when it comes to ME. Know what I mean?)

So I did it. I grabbed the bulls by the horn sotospeak and actually DID something for FlyLady’s Anti-Procrastination Day. I made a dr appt for myself. And now? Now I have to find the $300 for the appt. Scratch that. Now I have to (attempt to!!) exercise patience and wait on the Lord to provide the $300 for the appt… oh and also the $190 for the testing for Matthew… and also the however-much-it-will-be for the meds I need.

It’s ok, though. Phillipians 4:19, Chris. Also, consider the lillies, Chris. And also? My God is a great BIG AWESOME God and no amount of $$ is too big for Him to round up. Doesn’t even qualify as pocket change for Him.

Deep breaths. Need to go either hyperventilate (not a good option) or maybe veg-out for a bit to get my mind off freakin’ out about the whole “did I upset the dr? did I offend him somehow? did I annoy him? did I say the right things? did I just mess up horribly?” thing.

Yeah. Can’t concentrate on much else at the moment. OCD much? =/

Posted: June 4th, 2008 under FLYing, faith, just life, the changing me.
Comments: none

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been avoiding posting. Truly. Outright avoidance. I’m not even really sure why.

Right now, this second, I am hating the me I am. Badly. I detest me. I’m an awful me. I have no one to blame but myself (ok, prob. can share at least a little blame with some little germies, but still…). I. Hate. Me.

I hate the me that I am. I am an awful mother. I yell at the kids. I hate that. I am getting worse about it the more I try not to, too. I hate that even more.

I tell the kids stupid stuff when I get upset or frustrated. I hate that, too. Things like “I know you hate me, you’ve made that perfectly clear.” or “You think everything has to be YOUR way or no way, and I’m about ready to tell you ok, no way and kick you out.” or “It’s ok, you probably won’t have to deal with the horrible mother that I am what with making you clean up your own messes and all- for much longer. I’ll probably be dead or locked up within 6mo anyway.”

He’s 9! WHY do I even say this stuff? I HATE it! I try so hard not to. I do. And the stuff just keeps coming. I didn’t use to be this way. Honest.

I know when the kids were still toddlers and throwing temper tantrums way more often than this (and BOTH of them were doing it!!), I was calm and cool for the most part. I didn’t ever blow up at them like this. I really didn’t. I’m SURE there were times when I snapped at them, but NOT like this. No way.

I either spanked them and put them in time-out or I tried Mom’s method of making them keep the tantrum going…long past the time they were ready to stop. (Almost reverse psychology there.) I can remember friends telling me I was sooooo patient…how do I do it? I got that a lot. At the time I did NOT think I was patient…at all… but looking back now? Knowing the way I am now? Oh I was super-mega patient mommy. Like you wouldn’t even believe!!

Now? I have no patience it seems and I HATE that! I have been trying to fix it. I’ve been praying for help and the patience thing just keeps getting worse and worse. It’s gotten like a billion times worse just in the last year. Probably about a year ago is when I first noticed I was having big problems with the whole patience/blowing up thing, and man! it just gets worse and worse.

I HATE ME!

Yes, I apologize every time. And yes I cry about it and he cries about it and we cry about it and we both promise to try and do/be better…me with the snapping/blowing up and him with the obeying/behaving to start with. Less behavior problem, less snapping problem. And NO I don’t mean that he is at fault… and yes, I tell him over and over that no he is not to blame for my blowing up. I just mean that there *is* a correlation. His constant fighting with everyone around him (whether it be fighting with his sister or fighting us parents by not doing what he’s told or correcting us or whatever….) is so unbelievably frustrating! I just can’t take it!

What I really don’t get and is where the “hating me” part comes in, I think, is that I used to get just as frustrated with him… or his sister… or my parents… or my brothers… or whatever… and yet I could still keep from blowing up nearly always. And on the rare occasions I did I *mostly* was able to keep from spewing too much junk before I quit. I’d mostly just bang things around for awhile and grunt.

Last year though, things started changing. Matthew’s behavior had been getting worse, the tantrums, the hate pouring out of him, the Jekyll/Hyde like stuff was worse and worse over the last couple of years. I was beyond frustrated with him, of course…had been for a long, long time, but I didn’t start blowing up and really losing it until last year.

When I noticed it (and believe me I noticed it pretty quick), I immediately started hating myself and begging God to please help Matthew and help me. At first I protested being his mom, I begged God to please take him from me and give him to someone who could give him what he needed because obviously I couldn’t. Nothing I’d tried had helped…at all.

I begged and begged. Then I gave up and said ok, if You won’t give him a different mom, please make me into the mom he needs.

This… this me that I am right now tonight… can NOT be it. It just can’t be. I know that.

Around the same time I started having really bad brain problems in general. Bad anxiety, freaking out, paranoia, forgetfulness (actually this had been building for a few years), inability to think clearly or to focus, word finding problems, couldn’t say what I wanted to in the right way, etc. Lots of stuff.

I started crying out to God, “What is wrong with me?!”. I knew something was wrong. I was losing my mind. I really, REALLY thought I was going crazy.

Then I started having weird nerve pain and tingles and numbness. Electric shocks going through my body in different places. I’d had shin pain for awhile, and swollen lymph nodes off and on, too. Started having balance problems walking to and from church so I pretty much took to driving. Especially after one particularly scary trip where I wasn’t sure I was NOT going to pass out once I got inside the church.

I decided I better run a quick check online to see if I needed to find a dr. No insurance makes the internet my first pitstop. I run my symptoms through and do a little research first. If it seems more likely that it is a common, simple thing I can skip the dr fee. That way I’m not paying for a dr to tell me I have a simple cold or a little bit of heat exhaustion or I’m probably a little low on vitamins or whatever. If it looks more troubling? Well, then I guess I’ll have to bite the $$ bullet and get it checked out.

This has worked fine for years. I watch for signs of infection (sinus, bladder, kidney, etc) and take garlic for that…if it doesn’t get better I’ll go in for stronger antibiotics. I’ve never needed to, btw. I’ve probably saved thousands of dollars this way.

I started with the freak-out type stuff and what was coming up was rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Not just the “normal” bipolar, but rapid-cycling. That is… extreme highs and lows but SEVERAL TIMES IN ONE DAY. Oh yes. It was so not a good few months there… really. =(

That seemed to make a LOT of sense and I was pretty sure I better see about finding a dr to be sure and then get some meds, but something kept naggin at me… that wouldn’t explain the weird balance and nerve pain and other various PHYSICAL problems.

My knees that had been acting up off and on for 2-3yr (early onset osteoarthritis I’d decided) were doing ok, but now my feet were joining the party. And my hands, and my arms… I’d had super bad headaches more ON than off for years. And lots and lots of other things too.

So I tried again, this time being sure to include the physical stuff. The last time I’d really done any REAL diggin into possible health problems was several years ago… for the kids. At the time there was not a site where you could go and enter a bunch of symptoms and get a list of possible things to look into, but I remember discussing with a friend of mine that there SHOULD BE!

I was pleasantly surprised to find that now there WERE sites like this (besides google, I mean). So I did that.

I came up with things like: lupus, multiple sclerosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, Lyme disease, Parkinson’s Disease, bipolar disorder, and a few others. It was really weird to watch the possibles list change as I entered symptoms or took them away. Pretty much the only one that stayed no matter what was Lyme disease.

I pretty much ignored that one, though. I’d had a tick attached back in the summer of ‘03 and had looked up Lyme disease at the time, knowing I didn’t have insurance to go see a dr because of a tick bite. I looked it up to see what to watch for that way if I DID have problems I could go in, then. Bullseye rash and then a few weeks later knee pain, and eventually the arthritic stage would resolve itself anyway. So, it looked like really I could just tough it out even if I did get the bullseye rash… it would all go away on its own. I kept an eye on the redness that showed up a couple of days after we pulled the tick off, but the center never cleared, so I was good.

I looked into each of the other possibles a little and pretty quick was able to say my problem was probably NOT _____ for whatever reason. The most likely one was looking like multiple sclerosis.

Interestingly enough, this was right at the same time my mom took herself into the doctor (shock of shocks!!!) because of a weird numbness episode she’d had. The doctor was checking her out for MS! Had an MRI and a CAT scan, both. No MS, but her thyroid levels were a little low. I thought it seemed appropriate we were both looking at poss. MS until I realized that MS actually is NOT generally found “running in families”. oh. my bad. LOL

A talk with a friend, though, told me that not everyone gets a bullseye rash with Lyme disease AND that the knee pain doesn’t always show up right away…sometimes not for years and sometimes not even then, but Lyme can cause a lot of other symptoms too.

Back to the research drawing board I went. Oh the info I found on Lyme disease! She was right… the bullseye rash is NOT always there, nor are symptoms always seen right away. Hmmm… Also every single symptom I had *could* be attributed to Lyme disease. Including the losing my mind kind of stuff.

So I told Mike that pretty much I felt sure I was looking at either MS or Lyme, and I needed to see a dr. In the meantime I did more research and reading. I found out that oftentimes Lyme disease is misdiagnosed. Many cases of: MS, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, and even some cases of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), Parkinson’s disease, early Alzheimer’s, ADD/ADHD, and bipolar disorder are found to actually be Lyme disease. People were getting better after being diagnosed and treated properly (with Lyme) whereas they had not been getting better being treated for the ______.

Sooo… looking like maybe the most likely is Lyme? How WEIRD is that, though?? I live in TEXAS! And Lyme is supposedly RARE, right? Especially in TEXAS?!?!

Well, no.

It’s transmitted by deer ticks found in the northeast, yes. It’s also transmitted by lonestar ticks (found here in the Lone Star State!), and other species of ticks. It’s also been found in fleas, gnats, flies, and mosquitos. So there’s a potential right there. The deer ticks in nymph stage can be as little as the period at the end of this sentence. If it bites and doesn’t make a bullseye rash, you might not even know it’s there at all! Lyme has been found in every state in the USA.

I was born in Virginia. I vacationed in VA and Maine as a kid. I lived near wooded areas several times as a kid here in TX. I knew for sure I’d had at least one attached tick. I’d even had a rash with it. I definitely had the possibility of having been exposed to the Lyme bacteria.

I knew I was going to have to go to a dr and I knew I was going to have to be tested for Lyme, too. WHATEVER I had, I was getting sicker. My symptoms were getting worse. My bad days were getting worse and more frequent. The aches had spread to nearly every part of my body at random various times, and on bad days EVERYTHING ached. On bad days I was hurting everywhere…and stiff… and couldn’t think or function worth a flip. The bad days were starting to keep me in bed, even. Not just keeping me from getting cleaning done, but keeping me from being able to get up at all.

I was scared, and confused, and I still am. I hadn’t seen a dr since I was pg (except for an ER trip a few summers ago due to weird blood/heart problems which DEFINITELY is connected, I know now). I had collected so much information, but I had no insurance and could not figure out what my best plan of action was. Also? Lyme can be passed through pregnancy to the baby… I had had some symptoms since jr. high. If I had Lyme, the kids could.

Testing isn’t always accurate. Lyme is a clinical diagnosis. That means even if the tests come back negative, you might still have Lyme. This is because they need better testing… and also because the Lyme bacteria burrows its way into your tissues, organs, bones, etc and hides from your immune system, so the immune system may or may not be making antibodies against it. It’s the antibodies the tests look for.

By December, I knew I had to see a doctor who knew and understood Lyme. One who wouldn’t blow me off by saying Lyme doesn’t exist in TX (which it certainly DOES, but regardless I could have picked it up in VA or ME or CO or a dozen other places). I also knew the kids would need testing if I were diagnosed with Lyme.

I asked my friend to help. My brain just doesn’t work right a lot of the time. Besides this was ME talking about ME seeing a dr. This is just sooooo weird. I needed help.

She very graciously said she would help. =) I was still not sure, though. I mean for years I had relied on Jesus to be my only physician. After all, He is the Great Physician. I had convinced myself that for ME that is the way it should be. That I wasn’t fully trusting God if I saw a dr. I took the kids to drs, sure… that was different. Although I did totally see the irrationality of that, I still couldn’t shake it.

I was so scared I would be failing God by going to a doctor, or that I would maybe not be failing…but that maybe it just wasn’t what I should do. I prayed and prayed some more. Of course I’d BEEN praying for months that the Lord would please help me know what to do, that He’d help me figure out what was wrong and that if He wanted me to see a dr, He would help me to know that. I prayed more…and then some more. One day I prayed very specifically… I was just so scared of doing something out of His will and just so confused and it seemed like the more I thought about stuff the more confused I got, so I prayed, “Lord if you want me to see a dr, please, You’re going to have to tell me exactly WHICH doctor and exactly what to say, because I just can’t figure this out.”

I don’t think it was even two days later my friend showed up at my door and started a conversation about doctors and told me the name of a doctor she felt sure would order the testing for me and then told me to let her know if I needed help in figuring out exactly what to say when I went in.

Things got crazy and I didn’t actually get an appointment made for another few weeks, but go in I did…with my friend right beside me. Oh my goodness was that ever a BLESSING!! I was petrified and nervous and so very thankful for her presence.

The P.A. signed the paperwork so I could have the test for Lyme done through a lab in CA that specializes in tick-borne diseases. This lab has the most accurate testing, though even these tests can still come up falsely negative. We dropped the sample off in the mail and then I waited.

For two weeks, I think it was. That day Matt took off and he ended up visiting the jail the next day? Well the day he visited the jail I spent in pain in bed most of the day. I finally managed to get up around 2pm, but only just. I HAD to, though, because Meagan had to go get a Lupron shot and bloodwork done and of course Mike was waiting to hear back from the police about Matthew. So I managed to take Meagan to do the shot and bloodwork and then went to church. While I was in bed, Mike had called the dr office to see if the test results were in yet. They were not. I’d already called a couple of days before.

I called again the Monday of the next week and ended up calling the lab in CA. The results were sent out to the dr, but the dr’s office was saying they still didn’t have them. So I got a fax # and called the lab back and had them fax it over. I picked up a copy the next day.

It was positive.

I have Lyme disease.

I still need to find a dr to treat it though. I am trying to get the guts up to call a dr tomorrow. I’m scared he won’t take me as a patient, though, since I don’t have insurance.

I’ve waited till now to even think about calling and getting an appointment because I thought I’d try to get insurance first. Since the P.A. had not given me a diagnosis officially, I thought that meant I did not have a pre-existing condition and so I could get health insurance and then when it kicked in I could go to the dr. Except that won’t work.

Last Thursday we had Meagan’s Un-birthday party… at the park… at 2pm… in the TX sun. There was little to no shade. Whether it was the sun, the stress (it was a FULL week or two before that filled with Lupron reactions, ortho appointment, dentist appt to get 7 teeth pulled, end of school, awards banquet, and lots of other stuff), or the Lyme bacteria’s ‘cycle’ (the bacteria reproduces about every 30 days), or WHAT I don’t know, but Friday was a BAD day.

I mean a big bad day. Worst day I’ve had yet. I was in so much pain and was so stiff and weak in the a.m. that Mike had to help me roll over for much of the morning. Around noon I was able to get myself rolled over without help, but I still couldn’t get up. Mike was ready to take me to the ER or the GP we’d seen years ago, but I was scared to do that since I still hadn’t looked at the insurance thing closer. He called and got info on the health insurance through his work. Open enrollment is in Oct. It would cost $180 every pay period to get me put on and it wouldn’t kick in until Jan. He wanted to take me in and get something to help get me through till then, at least, but I was adamant.

I finally managed to get up and sit for about an hour in the evening, then back to bed. Mike said I had fever when he left for work that night. Saturday was better. I was able to get up and into the dining room, but with much difficulty. I was stiff and I hurt and I was weak, but nothing like the day before. I spent most of Sat. looking into the insurance.

Come to find out the insurance companies look back anywhere from 6mo-5yr and anything you sought advice or treatment for or that a “prudent person” WOULD have sought advice or treatment for is considered a pre-existing condition and most insurance companies will exclude any and all treatment costs for that condition for a year or permanently. So as that extremely long sentence shows (LOL!)… I was outta luck on the ins. Even if I got some, it still wasn’t going to pay for Lyme treatment.

Sunday was even better, though I did stay home from church in the am. I was still walking WAY funny. No way would I have been able to do the amount of walking required without a cane. Since I didn’t have one… haha. I had loosened up enough by that evening that I could go to the evening service. I was still stiff and sore and I was still walking funny, but not horribly so. I was, of course, still twitching, too. Twitching is pretty much an everyday thing anymore. I hope no one noticed. I don’t think so. Anyway, if they did they didn’t say anything. I did have 3 people ask what I did that left me so stiff. I told them nothing, but I doubt they believed me. LOL

So that brings me to tonight. Why didn’t I call yesterday or today? I’m scared. I heard another woman was calling this dr Monday, and thought it would be weird if I called the same day. Besides she was obviously sicker and in more need than I was… she’d been to the ER last week and they really messed up her arm with the IV poke. So I thought I’d wait a few days, maybe. Then I heard that the dr was going to “get back with her” about whether or not he’d take her on as a patient and I basically freaked. I wanted to wait and see if she’d get in or not.

Found out this afternoon that he is going to take her, which is great. =) She has insurance though. I do not. I’m still scared he won’t take me.

I have no reason to wait anymore either, and every reason to NOT wait. Especially since I am hating the me I have become more and more each day. No, I should not blow up at the kids no matter what, but YES the Lyme *is* playing a part. I know that now. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get back to the kind of mom I was 6 or 7 or 8 years ago if I don’t get treated and get better. In fact, I’m sure I won’t. So I have to do this. Somehow.

I don’t have any idea how we’re going to pay for the dr visits, the meds, the bloodwork, the supplements. Not to mention the fact that it could double or triple as we still have to get the kids tested and then if THEY need treatment and the in-network drs can’t or won’t treat…

Matthew has an appointment with a new pediatrician Thurs. I have the test kits from the lab (Igenex) in CA sitting here ready. I’m praying the new ped will sign the paperwork to get the testing done. We’ll have to pay out-of-pocket for that, since the lab is out-of-network.

I don’t know how the Lord is going to work this out. I don’t. BUT I do know He will. I know this is where He’s led me/us. And if God leads you to it, He will see you through it.

Saturday night as I laid in bed, after having learned that no matter what I wasn’t going to get health insurance to cover Lyme treatment for me unless I waited a LONG time and/or committed insurance fraud, I prayed. I prayed and I reminded myself that if the Lord outfits the lilies, He will surely take care of me. We humans are more precious to Him than the animals and plants and other creations as we are made in His image. If He cares enough to take care of the new kitty we have, and I know that well enough that I felt ok praying that He would help us get rid of the fleas that had found her, then He cares for me enough to take care of the dr bills without insurance. I realized I had been kinda trying to put my faith and trust in the insurance to cover the costs because I just can’t SEE or fathom how He will provide otherwise.

Thing is, I don’t have to see it or understand it. I don’t have to know ahead of time how He’s going to work it out. Jesus cares so much for me that He DIED for me, He loves me and wants the best for me. I know because He tells me so in the bible. He’s led me this far on the Lyme journey. He’s allowed me to figure out I needed testing and treatment, He’s not going to quit caring and helping now… He will make a way, even if it does seem impossible to me right now.

So I decided then that I was going to go ahead and call to make an appointment this week, and nevermind waiting on insurance. For a start I was not about to even consider committing insurance fraud. Uh-uh! The Lord will provide a way that does NOT include breaking a law. Of that I am SURE! Whether or not we even look about buying insurance (and then it would *maybe* start paying for treatment after a year) or not I don’t know right now, but if so, it won’t be while trying to hide the Lyme disease!

Sunday night at church, the song sung as a special was “Consider the Lilies”. =) I thanked God right then and there for that blessing. That was the very idea and verse and what-not I’d been having to focus on and remind myself of just the night before. Ok, so it probably wasn’t me, after all, huh? More like the Holy Spirit reminding me to consider the lilies…

And the woman who sang the special? Well, she was one of the three that commented on my stiff walk. LOL

So I’m sitting here hating the me I’ve become, and knowing that while I am NOT completely guiltLESS by any stretch of the imagination, there *IS* some problem outside of my control that is making the situation all the more difficult and complicated. So while I’m hating the me I’ve become, some of that hate is actually for the bacteria that is chewing on my brain, and other body parts, and throwing my hormones into a major tizzy. The bacteria has helped to shape the me I’ve become. Stress, frustration, and lack of help (mostly due to my stubborn SINFUL pride which has led me to not only not ask for help but to actually turn it away over the years…) has also played a part. Exhaustion plays a role too. And yes, of COURSE!!! so does sin. Like I said, I am NOT guilt LESS.

I need to work even harder at locking myself up when I lose it. I always end up not doing it because I think that’ll be leaving Matthew to “get away” with something and/or it’ll leave the kids unsupervised (while I’m hiding in the closet crying or fuming). I have done it before, just not in awhile. I used to be pretty good at it when Mom and the others were still here. I guess I figured I could then because there would still be an adult (my mom) up and about to watch over things while I hid.

Since they moved out, I’ve been mostly trying to just not have the whole frustrated blow-up problem at all so I don’t have to hide and leave them unsupervised. (Trust me, Matthew unsupervised during one of his meltdowns is not good… of course me in one of MINE isn’t either…)

One thing about it… if the way I feel when I have these meltdowns or whatever is at all close to what Matthew feels when he has his… Oh my stars!! =( It’s not good. At all. It really, REALLY is uncontrollable at a certain point. Mike and I were talking about it a couple of weeks ago… if there really truly is some physical aspect to his massive Jekyll/Hyde like behavior over the past SIX YEARS, then we feel AWFUL for being so hard on him when he has these meltdowns.

We just didn’t know it could even be an honest-to-goodness possibility, ya know? Now we know it’s possible, and we’re going to try to find out, and in the meantime I hope and I pray that I can keep my own cool and quit saying stupid things to him that I shouldn’t. I HATE that I say them… sick or not, physical problem or not I shouldn’t say them. I know it and I feel awful about it and I’m TRYING to not do it anymore, I am. There truly is something to the “uncontrollable” thing though…at least after a certain point. There are times when I really TRULY can’t help but blow my top. Sometimes over the stupidest things, too…which again… sounds like Matthew.

So yeah. I’m a horrible mom. I know it, but I AM trying to fix things. Yes, I’ve yelled at my kids and said some really awful things to them. I AM trying to fix things. Please don’t hate me. I do enough of that for us both. Truly. =(

I guess that explains why I’ve been avoiding posting. I knew it would be a long, full disclosure kind of post. One in which I let it all hang out sotospeak. Not pretty or pleasant. More like painful. I don’t like pain. I tend to try to avoid it if at all possible. I’m sure you understand.

Posted: June 3rd, 2008 under Lyme disease, Matthew, faith, the changing me.
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